Hoping for a Better Year, 2011

I've been pleased to hear so many happy stories in 2010. Congratulations to all you new mommas out there, both those who have lost a previous child and those who have been much more fortunate. I wish you all a very happy new year.

As for me, I'm taking a different approach. I've been seeing an acupuncturist weekly now and taking herbs, as well as charting my BBT and recording other signs. My chances are much less this way than with IVF, but much more than doing nothing. Something is better than nothing, and I have heard of success stories. If you or someone you know has had luck with this method, I would love to hear from you.

In the meantime, I hope this holiday season finds you warm and loved. Enjoy.

Now what?

I remember when I was in the hospital. I was in terrible pain from having had a c-section, and even more from having lost our babies. I told my husband, "I never want to go through this again!" I meant all of it. No IVF, no pregancy, no hospital. Ever again. He answered, "We've come this far for something we've wanted so badly. We should try again."

After a few weeks I agreed. We signed up for another cycle, and another, and then this one. We've spent ourselves nearly into ruin. This time he said he thinks we should give up on having our own, but I am the one who's not ready to thow in the towel. So now what?


The thought of paying for another cycle seems impossible. I've found two grant programs, but one is past the deadline until next spring (oh, if I were young enough to wait that long!) and the other one wants you to be so poor that you wouldn't be able to pay the rent in this part of the country. So, we're stuck.


Another door is closed. Anyone see a window open anywhere???

No luck

Got the call this morning--no viable embryos. Need I say more?

Eggs

We have eggs. Two are classified as M2 (mature), 9 are M1 (nearly mature), and 2 more were not viable. M1 eggs often mature over night, so we may still have a good number to work with. All 11 will be fertilized in the lab and I will get a call in a day or so to let me know how they are developing.

I had a hard time getting on my feet afterwards with all the narcotics they gave me, but I'm feeling pretty good now and am staying positive.

Ready

"You're ready," is what the doctor told me yesterday. My estradiol is at 1492, and my endometrium is at 10mm. Of my 13 follicles on the right, the four biggest ones measure 24, 22, 21, & 19mm. "Those are big!" he told me. But not too big, he assured. We still can't see the ones on the left, but with 4 that large it's time to extract. I had to set my alarm for 12:15am for the "trigger shot" of Ovidrel. Ovidrel's job is to help in the last step of maturation before going in to pull all the little guys out. In the meantime, no more shots for a couple of days!

So Friday's the day. IVs, oxygen masks, anesthesia...not at all looking forward to that part. Any mature eggs will be directly injected with my husband's sperm and allowed to develop for three days. The hope is to get as many viable embryos as possible so we can put a couple back into my uterus and freeze the others for future attempts at pregnancy. If we don't get a lot of embryos, though, hopefully we'll get at least one of high quality that snuggles itself into my lining and stays there for the next 9 months...

Growth

I have had growth. The right ovary was "ready", with a total of 13 follicles, several large enough that I had to start yet a fourth injectable, Ganerelix, to stop me from ovulating. I wasn't scheduled to begin the Ganerelix until tomorrow, but looks like everything has been moved up. My left ovary was camera shy, as usual. It is a little higher up than the level that the ultrasound can easily access, so trying to get a good view of it is always painful. This time it was nearly invisible, but we could see a faint outline of 4 small follicles. Another round of blood draws and ultrasounds again tomorrow.

Stains

Every morning after my heparin shot I hold a kleenex over it for several minutes until it stops bleeding. Well, I've discovered that just because it has stopped doesn't mean it's done. I must've snagged the scab when I put on my jeans yesterday, because as I was sitting on the patio at Starbucks sipping on a cold drink with a friend, I noticed a growing stain on my thigh. Ugh! New jeans too! On top of that, I got sunburned. Our lovely aloe plant lost an arm last night to quench the thirst of my lobster-colored skin.

Cycle Day #9: Blood draw this morning. Ultrasound later today. Soon I'll see how many little follicles are growing inside of me. I can feel a heaviness in my ovaries, so I'm guessing there are a lot! More later.

Emotion

Oh, the emotion! I don't remember getting like this before, but it seems like every little thing causes tears to well up in my eyes...

Numbers

A long time friend just posted a happy birthday message to her son, who was born 12 years ago today and died about a week later. I remember the day her water broke. We were both living in Panama, far from home, near an unfamiliar hospital and doctors who spoke another language. I was so scared for her, being only 6 months along with her first child. Just a couple of nights prior to that day I had taken pictures of her growing belly. I was hopeful when her little one showed ability to breathe on his own, but so sad that she couldn't take him home yet. Then one day I called to check, and she told me he had passed. I had no words. Just empty. Little did I know I'd face the same thing a decade later, and she would be there for me with comforting words.

Back to the present. Last night's injections returned to the painful levels of previous cycles, as did this morning's. They had to put the turniquet on so tight for my blood draw I thought my arm was going to fall off. My veins just kept disappearing into the depths of my elbow. All is well, though, with an estradiol (hormone produced by developing ovarian follicles) level of 212, higher than my first cycle of IVF when it was only 135 at the same point in the cycle. I guess the higher the level, the more follicles are growing. When my eggs are ready to be harvested, there should be approximately 200 points of estradiol per follicle. Mine seems to be well within the normal range of someone on day 5 of fertility drugs. Another good piece of information is that my Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) was only 4.7 before starting meds--anything under 9 is "normal", indicating I should have a good response to ovarian stimulation. The higher the number, the lower the ovarian reserve and the less likely it is to have good embryo quality. http://www.advancedfertility.com/day3fsh.htm

Friday night is "date night", so I'm looking forward to dinner out with my husband, and probably our last weekend to relax before our limitations set in. Time to enjoy!

Tiny Bruises

I am amazed at how well this cycle is going. I'd always had a burning sensation as the medications went into my body in past cycles, but this time I feel almost nothing. My husband is such a great nurse! Heparin is new for me though, and it leaves its mark, a round purple polka dot, everywhere it goes in. Maybe each spot represents a mature viable egg being produced--haha!

Day #2

Yesterday's blood draw went fine. I don't know what happened with yesterday morning's shot--I thought I had gotten over that anxiety and such, but it was just as bad as the first time. I'm glad it was only that once. I was worried about beginning the fertility drugs, as in previous cycles some of the medication was very painful going in. Last night my husband gave me my first doses of Follistim & Menopur along with another shot of Heparin, and it went so smoothly I hardly felt anything. I do have some slight bruising, though. I also had my first baseline ultrasound to look at my ovaries and all seemed fine at this point. I'm feeling very positive today.
At today's acupuncture appointment, though, I seemed to be much more tender in the spots she needled. She told me that was normal now that I had started meds. I even screamed a couple of times! It all settled down after a moments though, and I was able to rest.
A little later I'm headed over to get my yearly haircut. For the last two years I've only done a bit of trimming, so it's now long enough to donate 12 inches to Locks of Love. Maybe, just maybe, by giving a little of myself, the forces of the universe will give a little back to me.

Remembering the Past as I begin a new journey

I sit here remembering the excitement and fear I felt on my first journey through IVF. It was November 2008 and for the first time I felt hope that I would be a mother. I was 36 years old and had never been pregnant. My regular gynecologist had given me the run-around on fertility treatment and mostly wanted me to be patient and wait for it to happen. My husband and I found a local fertility clinic online and we went in for a consultation. "Go straight to IVF" was the new doctor's recommendation, and so we did. I was scared of needles. Daily shots, blood draws, anesthesia, ugh! Not my cup of tea. But we were thinking of our future. The outcome would be a tiny human, half me, half him. That made it all worth it.

We got pregnant on our first try--with twins! Oh, we were so excited. As were our parents, our co-workers, our friends, everyone. Imagine our devastation when my water broke too soon. I did my best to keep them inside me, but once the sac opens it is susceptible to infection. My little ones were born at 24 weeks, on their father's birthday, and only lived a few days.

Today I begin my 4th attempt at IVF, and would like to share with others who have had a common experience. My husband gave me my first shot of Heparin this morning and all the old feelings came back. I broke into a cold sweat, became dizzy and nauseous. I was planning on going to get my blood drawn this morning around 7am, but it is now after 10 and I have still not gone. I'd better go now.